Out on the desert
(dramatic starts playing as the news is broadcasting)
Derek: Area Fifty-Something, it's no secret monsters call it home. But there is something more frightening, more dangerous. Inside this secret outpost, the government is hiding (yells) ALIENS! THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS, ALIENS, FROM, OTHER, PLANETS! (talks at a normal voice) Of course the government denies that, but this news scooper has the inside scoop. (calls Susan)
In the kitchen of Area-Fifty Something
ringtone: Uh-oh!
Uh-oh!
Uh-oh!
Susan: (picks up the phone) Derek, what a nice surprise.
Derek (out on the desert): I know, right? Well hold on to your hat Susan because news flash: I'm considering getting back together, with you!
Susan: Uh-huh.
Derek (out on the desert): Yeah, I decided you being big wasn't so big after all. So, how's about I come over to the old, secret base and we talk it out?
Susan: Oh, and while you're here, maybe I could show (moves her tray) you some things like, I don't know, aliens.
Derek (out on the desert): Aliens? Yeah, that could be cool.
Susan: Uh-huh, now just one question Derek; is it my TV, or is your hairline really starting to recede?
Derek (out on the desert): Wait, are you (moves closer to the camera) watching?
Susan: (walks over to the television) Oh yeah Derek, and I've got late-breaking news for all your viewers. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth! (hangs up)
Derek (out on the desert): Cut to commercial! (moves farther from the camera) Karen, get the shine off my skull!
Link: Ha, (fist bumps Susan) burn!
Coverton: (stops hiding by the vending machine) My my my, how intriguing.
Henry: I know, they mixed the peas with these little onions. Shouldn't work, but, (eats his food) boy howdy, it does!
In Coverton's room
Coverton: (talks to Coverlord) I assure you Grand Coverlord this plan is flawless. I will make contact with this new stooge. Then when word of my existence is broadcast, the world will descend to panic; plus the camera loves me: it's the cheekbones.
In the hangar
(Coverton tries to sneak out of the base while being in a disguise)
Monger: Where do you think you're going?
Coverton: General, I was just about to, you know, hover around.
Monger: (moves closer to Coverton) De-nied! (shows a picture of Derek) Especially with a reporter snooping around. Last thing I need is your (puts his finger on Coverton) ugly mug on TVs (takes his finger off of Coverton) Now, hover yourself back into your secure area, and (takes Coverton's hat) give me that hat.
Coverton: Um, but I... (goes back into the base)
In the hallway
B.O.B.: Dum-(splits himself into two to go over and under some material)da-dum-(puts himself back together)-da-dum-dum-dum... (keeps on singing)
Coverton: Ah, here comes Plan B. (stops B.O.B. from singing and walking) So B.O.B., quite a scene in the mess hall today, eh?
B.O.B.: I know, huh. Those peas and onions shouldn't work together, but gosh darn it, they just do.
Coverton: Actually, I was thinking of another odd couple: Susan and Derek.
B.O.B.: They are not a couple. Susan said she wouldn't go out with Derek if he was the last man on Earth. (keeps on walking)
Coverton: (follows B.O.B.) Mm, but he's not the last man on Earth, is he?
B.O.B.: (stops walking and gasp) Which means she would go out with him. Wow. Mind, (sends blue smoke out of his head) blown. I gotta get those two crazy kids together!
Coverton: (moves closer to B.O.B.) Exactly B.O.B. (doesn't face B.O.B.) Bring Derek onto this base, (faces B.O.B.) but tell no one what you're doing. The man will do whatever he can to keep them apart.
B.O.B.: The man.
Coverton: Yes, the man. Now fly B.O.B.; fly on the wings of love!
(B.O.B. starts to leave the base)
In the diner
Derek: (picks up his phone after it rings) Hello?
B.O.B.: (wears a white hat talks on the phone) I know what's going on and I want to help you.
Derek: (spots B.O.B. behind him) B.O.B.?
B.O.B.: (talks to Derek in person) I'm on a call.
Derek: With me.
B.O.B.: Wow, huh. (gets out of his seat) How crazy (puts the phone on his head and covers it with his hat) is that? Derek, (carries Derek) I'm going to bring you to your one true love.
Derek: Myself?
B.O.B.: No, silly, (puts his hat on Derek) Susan.
Derek: (lifts B.O.B.'s hat) You're going to take me to Susan: in the top secret underground base: where all the aliens are?
B.O.B.: Yup, I'm a hopeless romantic.
Out on the desert
(B.O.B. giggles as he runs and drags Derek)
Derek: (loses the hat and records himself) I'm about to single-handedly sneak into Area Fifty-Something. I alone will face the gauntlet of deadly...
B.O.B.: (stops running) Hey, it's this way. (reveals a secret tunnel under a rock holding a cactus)
Derek: Okay, but stay out of my shot. (climbs down the ladder) Can you do that?
(B.O.B. jumps in the secret entrance while laughing having Derek and him fall down the drain leading towards an enterance)
In the bathroom of Area-Fifty Something
Derek: Oh, oh! (comes out of pipe while knocking out a toilet and a door leading to a stall; then lands on the floor with the toilet that he broke land on him making him grunt)
B.O.B.: (comes out of the pipe) Wow huh, that was stinky!
Derek: (flips him and the toilet back up) Dietl here. I've infiltrated Area Fifty-Something using methods I'm not at liberty to disclose.
B.O.B.: He came in through the sewer!
In the thinking tank
Derek: So B.O.B., when do we see aliens?
B.O.B.: Aliens, you mean Susan, right?
Derek: Uh, slip of the tongue?
B.O.B.: Oh, I can see that: aliens, Susan. They're both spelled with, letters.
(Derek felt confused)
B.O.B.: (gasp) Someone's coming: maybe the man. I gotta hide you.
Derek: Wait! (shudders)
(B.O.B. grabs Derek with his mouth, hangs on to the next floor, flips to the next floor without taking the stairs, pushes the enterance button, and spits out Derek in a different room)
unnamed employee #1: (enters with another employee) Call me crazy, but I'm not a fan of the little onions.
B.O.B.: (stopped the employees and yells) Hey guys! I'm not hiding Susan's ex-boyfriend behind this door!
unnamed employee #2: You're crazy.
(the employees start walking)
unnamed employee #1: I like what I like.
Derek: (starts to leave the room) B.O.B.?
B.O.B.: (talks softly)I'll go get Susan, (pushes Derek in the room) you hide from the man. (starts to leave)
In Monger's office
Derek: (gets surprised and sees three portraits of Monger) This is the worst place to hide from the man. It's the man's office! (starts to leave, but sees Monger and decides to hide behind Monger's desk)
Monger: (enters) Finally, (goes to his trophy) alone at last.
Derek: Okay, okay D man, focus now. Get the scoop: network gig.
(Monger flips a secret switch on the trophy)
Derek: Eye on the prize.
(the switch opens the book self downwards showing a dancing arcade game and Monger steps on the self by the controls)
arcade game announcer: Konichiwa, time to dancing. Busting your moves on level one. (plays music)
Monger: (tries to step on the correct buttons) Consider them busted. (he even gives off a salute)
In the thinking tank
(B.O.B. covers Susan's eyes and takes her up the stairs to Monger's room)
Susan: Surprise? B.O.B., what surprise?
B.O.B.: All I'm going to say is what you're about to see will change your life, (opens the door and uncovers Susan's eyes) for-ever!
In Monger's office
(Susan and B.O.B. sees Monger dancing)
Susan (in the thinking tank): O, M, and G!
B.O.B. (in the thinking tank): Wow, the general's totally loose in the caboose.
Monger: (sees Susan and B.O.B. while still dancing) What are you doing? This is a private office! Get out!
(B.O.B. pushes the same button to close the door)
Monger: (faces the arcade game) Where was I? Oh, that's right. Locking my way back to funny town.
(Derek is still seen hiding)
In the hallway
(B.O.B. walks with Susan)
Susan: Well B.O.B., that did change my life: forever. (walks away from B.O.B. while stopping him) Not for the better.
Coverton: (floats down to B.O.B.) Ah B.O.B., have you found the reporter...
B.O.B.: (covers Coverton's mouth and talks softly) The man has ears everywhere.
In the thinking tank
(Monger gets off the office while humming and slides a railing; Derek tries to sneak out)
B.O.B.: (drops from the ceiling finding Derek) There you are! (grabs Derek) Come on, I'm taking you straight to Susan.
In the hallway
(B.O.B. brings Derek to another hiding spot)
Derek: B.O.B., wait, you know, I like the hiding/surprising thing; but maybe we need to hide me somewhere a little more safe and secure.
B.O.B.: (stops walking) What'd you had in mind, you sly dog? (barks, laughs, and puts Derek down)
Derek: Well, do you have any, I don't know, aliens on this base?
B.O.B.: Genius, nobody but nobody goes in here, ever! (takes out his eye to scan it) It's perfect.
(the door opens and pushes Derek in the)
Derek (in the vornicarn's room): (laughs) Perfect.
(the door closes)
In the vornicarn's room
Derek: Wait, what's with the giant doggy toys?
(the vornicarn runs in the room while growling)
Derek: Unless somebody's got a giant...
(the vornicarn stretches its tongue and grabs Derek making him scream in fear)
In the hallway
Susan: And you sure it isn't another Monger booty quake, right?
B.O.B.: Oh no, you're gonna want to see this. (takes out his eye to scans it open the door) Ta-da!
Susan: (sees the vornicarn licking something while it does a pose) Okay B.O.B., thanks, for showing me, that. (walks away from B.O.B.)
(the vornicarn in the room hiccups and spits Derek out of the room towards a metal door and burps out his phone)
Derek: That thing ate me; (gets carried by B.O.B.) I was eaten. (talks while sobbing) I don't want to be eaten. (sobs some more) Wait, (feels his hair) did it digest any of my hair?
B.O.B.: (stretches over Derek making him lean backwards) Uh, maybe. Was this shiny spot always here?
Derek: Hair damage! (walks towards the foreground) No scoop is worth that, unless it gets me my own show. Ho oh, then I could----No, no D man, that's crazy talk! (walks towards B.O.B.) You can't replace hair like mine: the curl. I can't pay that price. This story is just not worth it!
B.O.B.: (grabs Derek) No Derek, I will not have you giving up on this story, this fairy tale, (leans on Derek while carrying him) this romance. (drops Derek) You know what? You need a pep talk from my peppy friend. (chuckles)
In Coverton's room
(Coverton plays the same arcade game that Monger played)
arcade game announcer: Busting your moves on level one. (plays music)
Coverton: Level one can prepare to be annihilated by my skillz, with a Z.
(B.O.B. and Derek enters the room)
B.O.B.: Coverton!
Coverton: (pauses the arcade game putting it by up against the wall) Ah, B.O.B. and the, TV blabber-person of ill repute.
Derek: So you have seen my show?
Coverton: Indeed, I find your appetite for the exploitation and debasement of others positively delightful.
Derek: Oh. Uh, cool.
B.O.B.: Coverton, can I leave Derek here with you? He needs a pep talk something fierce. (starts to leave the room)
Coverton: Dearest Derek, (grabs Derek with his feet) let us chat.
B.O.B.: Great, (leaves the room and goes into the hallway) you two chew the fat: (singsong) I'll get Susan.
(the door leading to Coverton's room closes and Derek takes pictures of Coverton)
Coverton: (poses on his chair) Get me in three-quarter profile (sits up on the chair) and make sure the lighting isn't too harsh; sometimes there's an awful, unflattering shine on my forehead.
Derek: (stands by Coverton) Mr. Alien, we speak each other's language. (takes a selfie with Coverton)
In the hallway
B.O.B.: (leads Susan to Coverton's room) No really Susan, this time for sure.
(the door opens)
Susan: Okay, but this is the last time.
In Coverton's room
(Susan and B.O.B. enters the room)
Coverton: (does a pose on his chair) Susan, B.O.B., what can I do for you?
B.O.B.: Where's Derek?
Susan: Wait, Derek was here?
B.O.B.: (slaps himself) Ah, dang! I ruined the surprise.
Coverton: Derek's long gone now, but he did walk away with a hot exclusive close encounter: me. The world's going to love it. (chuckles)
Susan: Oh no!
Out on the desert
Derek: (gets out of the secret entrance he came in and tries to get signal) Ah, no signal. (climbs up the ladder all the way) Why do they have to put these secret installations in the middle of nowhere?
(Susan and B.O.B. appear behind Derek)
Susan: (startles Derek) Yeah, so you can't upload pictures or videos.
Derek: Susan, is that, you? You're, you're normal!
Susan: Normal?
Derek: (circles around Susan) Yeah, you're not a fifty-foot giant abomination anymore. (goes closer to Susan while not circling around her) Now why didn't you tell me baby? (grabs Susan's hand) Now we can totally get back together: for reals. Might fix (touches Susan's hair) the hair though. But other than that, you're totally normal again. Sweet!
Susan: Derek, I've always been normal, even when I'm (grows to Ginormica size) ginormous. (grabs Derek while he screams) I want you to meet Sqweep. You'll like Sqweep; Sqweep's an alien.
Derek: Really, an alien?
(Sqweep floats up to Derek using her scooter)
Susan: Yeah, an alien with a nice-little memory wiper.
(Sqweep takes out her memory wiper)
Derek: Wait, no! NOOOOO!
(Sqweep wipes Derek's mind)
B.O.B.: Ah, look at them. Derek and Susan together again just like peas and onions. (laughs)
Sometime later
(Sqweep, Susan, and B.O.B. left without a trace in sight)
Derek: (wakes up, gasp, and shakes his head) Where am I? Wait a second, who am I? (reads a piece of paper that was taped on him) Your name is Derek Di-et-l, and you have no chance with Susan Murphy. P.S. your hairline is definitely receding. (screams in fear and faints while dropping a piece of paper)